Monday, June 28, 2010

Heavy Heart

So, today I have a heavy heart... working on trying to figure that one out.

I have prayed, prayed that my cares and worries be lifted and laid on the Lord... there has been some lightening but not enough to make it any easier to breath.

I am doing something wrong, or not doing something right... I know what it is, I just don't know what it is yet.

I don't have anything funny or deep or amusing to say today. Nothing witty , just his heavy feeling. i definitely won't work on the new book today... not with this heart.

I am pretty sure this has been building... it seems like I have been going through the motions without intent.... does that make any sense? Doing things because I am supposed to or because they are habit, not doing them because it is the right thing or I choose to do them. That is no way to live. The only good thing is that the angry from the other day is gone. I would hate to have both the angry and the heavy heart... I would probably break into pieces if that happened.

I want to go fishing. I want to sit on the beach and watch people have fun. I want to feel lighter than I am... more in touch with people...

I want the heavy to life and feel like I can draw a full breath. I want to be less tense... more relaxed. My muscles are so tight I feel bound.

I have felt this way a few times in my life.... just a few. Not to bad for 46... only a few. But this is different. This is both more and less than other times. More in that it feels so sudden. Less in that I can't find a reason... I almost always know why I feel certain ways and I just can't pinpoint it this time.

So, today will be a day of introspection. No action. No running around trying to be successful or accomplish things. Just me, the day, the beasties and my thoughts.... I may be incidentally productive but my plans for the day are effectively cancelled.

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