So, I woke up grumpy this morning.. well, more than grumpy... I woke up angry and it has settled in to a kind of seething grumpiness. I called Mama... wasn't grumpy withe her but she's Mama, how grumpy can you truly be with a woman tht sweet and intent on your happiness?
I have no idea why I want to yell at everyone. None. And I really do want to yell. One of those deep, but gusting, throat searing yells that hurts your ears. I want to throw things. I have been this angry a few times in my life... one time I threw a Pringle's chip can. I do not recommend doing that. Chips literally exploded out of the can and rained all over the room.
The Beasties are snuggled up with me - I have retreated to my bed and laptop until I can make this stop. I tried to nap - that didn't work. I tried to play around on Facebook. Didn't work. I'm re-reading the Meredith Gentry series by Laurel K Hamilton - her stuff almost always takes me out of my head. DIdn't work. I don't feel like cooking - too hot. Don't feel like leaving the house - too hot and I would probably be pretty hateful to anyone I talked to. I don't even want to really talk to TeenDream - I would be mean to him too.
I keep thinking about taking a bath and using one of my bath bombs from Lush.com but I don't know that I would actually relax. My neck hurts - damn those spontaneously herniating cervical discs. My back hurts - lumbar discs are al herniated too. My head hurts - probably 'cause I am so angry. And.... I see humor in nothing at all so working on the new book is a no go right now.
I am just a totally miserable human being right now.
I talked to Sis#2 for 2.5 hours yesterday. Don't get me wrong - this mood isn't her fault. One thing I always say is that I hold responsibility for my own feelings. Anyway, talking to her, actually listening to her, can take a lot of energy sometimes. Yesterday it took a lot of energy. She has some issues she is working through (don't we all?) but she is so private (damn secretive if you ask me) that when she finally does call for help she has to go through the whole damn thing from front to present. If she doesn't then you really can't give her good advise. It kind of took more out of me than I thought.
It still doesn't let me know why I am so miserable today. I am lonely - I miss The Hubster. I miss my friends... even the ones right across the street or down the block... I am tired. It is hard holding things together all the time. As a Navy wife that is one of my major jobs. As the wife of a husband deployed for the next 12+ months it sucks.
Maybe I can turn into a hermit like the gal across the street. She is a Navy wife too. I have seen her a total of three times in the last six years and she lives LITERALLY right across the street. She doesn't even go in the back yard. It is sometimes a subject of conversation when a few neighbors get together... no one else sees her either. We know she exists, or she used to anyway, but she is like the invisible man. When he goes out to sea we don't ever see the children either unless they are walking to the 7/11 for candy or slurpees. It really is kind of freaky. I could probably do that. Just hide in the house and never go anywhere. It would be easier for me than her because I have TeenDream, who can drive and grocery shop.
Well, I don't think I can do it long term but I am definitely doing it today. I am better of slumped here in my bed, whining to myself and being grumpy than out in the world spreading hate and discontent.
I guess that is about it for now....