Sunday, June 27, 2010

Thinking about the day...

Today is TeenDream's 18th birthday. Wow. I can so clearly remember the day he was born.... but isn't that a mom thing?

Something to share with his other parent? Yeah, the one I am not married to anymore and haven't been married to for about 16 years.... the one the really can't stand me?

Something to share with your partner? Yeah, the one that is in the Navy? Deployed for the next 13 months?

Something wonderful to share with the child? Yeah, the one you brought in to the world with tears and joy and agony? the one who is off for the day with other people and a "thanks for the money Mom."?

So, I'm here with the beasties, pouting and feeling a little ignored and lonely. I think, no matter who was with me, or who I talk to today, this will be how I feel for the rest of the day. I will remember the pregnancy - how it wasn't supposed to happen, I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant much less stay that way.

I wasn't supposed to be able to carry all the way to August so the required c-section was scheduled for July and he was born in June... he is nothing if not always in charge of his own schedule.

i wasn't supposed to be able to raise him on my own, according to his bio-dad. But I guess I wasn't ever really raising him alone with a million friends and all my family helping. And then The Hubster, who has been more of a Dad than I could have ever hoped for. Oh, he had his father... always the Father and not so much of the Dad, the safe place, the "friend" he could/can turn to.... but The Hubster was/is always the Dad.

i joke that TeenDream is often like a little old man.. so set in his opinions (like all teens) and so convinced he knows it all. Were we all that judgement oriented when young? I am pretty sure I was. It is just weird to see him that way.

He is such a light, such a joy to be around - even when he is at his worst "typical teen" behavior I want to be around him. I just love him. i dream for him a life filled with happiness, not the problems, issues, and other non-essential things that I had at his age. I want him to experience that true unconditional love that I have now... not the half-loves that I experienced before.

I just want every thing for him, every single thing he could wish for that will bring him joy - I want that for him. that life, that happiness, that sense of fulfillment you get when you know you are on the right path. I want his life full of faith, joy, love and happiness.

I'm just a mom. Just a mom.

1 comment:

  1. My baby boy is turning 18 in a couple weeks, and I want the same things for him. Hard to let go, but trusting that God will lead him and protect him in all that he does. Hang in there momma!