Thursday, January 6, 2011

Holidays are over - YAY!!!

So, although I love the spirit of Christmas, and the "reason for the season" I do not particularly like the rest of the crap that comes with it. Tension, loneliness, crowds of inconsiderate people.... I find it exhausting which makes it hard to actually feel revivied on any level except as a Christian. I do feel good about celebrating the birth of Christ.

Anyway, on to other things. I need to quit smoking. Really. I tried after Thanksgiving made it three days before caving. I tried it this week - New Years and all that good stuff, and by the third day I was unreasonable angry - not testy, bitchy, annoyed.... deeply angry. No particular reason either. So, I was heading out to do some errands anyway and I bought cigarettes. I smoked one and immediately called my mother to confess. God bless her. We talked. We talked and talked about the why's and wherefores of the anger. Where was it coming from, why was I even feeling it. After all, I get The Hubster back for a few weeks her shortly, I have found (I hope) a place for us to live in CA, the kids are fine - really doing well too, both of them!

So we sorted things out. I handle things pretty well.... no matter what the trouble I can always calm myself and sort things out - feelings, hurt, anger.... and I had to do a good bit of that in 2010. In the process I unintentionally subverted some pretty big feelings. It wasn't that I ignored them but I didn't let them take their natural course... I just didn't have the time so I dealt with the surface stuff. I thought I had handled everything... that I was good and this was all in the past. Well, that is what I get for thinking. And, Momma said "I hate to say this, but this isn't the time for you to quit. You have to sort everything out, deal with it fully and then quit."

So, I am smoking. Working hard to cut down as much as I can.... I really want to quit but that anger I felt the other day - wow - I would hate to see what wold happen if I let loose with it... kind of scary to think about.

I hate dealing with this kind of stuff.... all the probing and deep thinking I have to do here shortly is just aggravating. Some things I just don't want to think about I just want to forget them. Hm. Kind of hard when I want to smack people.

So, my New Year's resolution is to deal with my old stuff so I can relegate it to the furtherest reaches of my mind closet and move forward.

Oh goodie.

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