I am forever asking why and how. I really want to know. How do people manage to do horrible things? Why would they want to hurt other people? How do they look themselves in the mirror?
People get hurt everyday - usually because someone was thoughtless or inconsiderate, but often it is from a directed emotional attack. How can people do this - blast someone who cares for them as if they were nothing. Better yet, blast someone they loved once, and maybe still do.
I get that most of it comes from their personal insecurity or some issue or problem they are having, but why not reach for comfort? Why choose to cause someone else to suffer a similar pain to what they are suffering? Who does that? Really, what kind of person does it take to do that?
I have definitely been thinking on this long and hard... it has to be someone who holds trust for no man (or woman). They must have been hurt and violated in some way, some horrible way, before. They must be insecure and feel unlovable. Maybe they even feel unloved... how horrible would that be? They certainly wouldn't love themselves, or even like themselves very much.
I wouldn't like to be that person. I was once... I hated the world and everyone on it. I felt nothing but anger. I had been hurt, repeatedly. I felt unloved and unlovable. I was a horrible person to be around. I pushed everyone away... it didn't make me feel any better to ruin those relationships but I was slowly putting myself in the place I felt that I deserved to be.
It took a while to crawl out and see the destruction I had wrought. It took a long while to make all the apologies that needed to be made. I was hurt that no one had noticed and cared enough to try to stop me from going down that path, and I was doubly hurt that no one walked it with me. No one stayed... everyone gave up.
I promised myself that if ever a friend or loved one headed down that same path I would stay by them... no matter what. I would love them, continue to love them, forgive them any and every thing. I would love them through it no matter how mean, hateful, rude, boorish or nasty they were. They would know they were loved.
So, I'm doing that now. I understand why so many of my friends walked away from me. I get how hard it is. I have two things I hold on to every day - I love this person and this will pass. I have no doubt it will get uglier, nastier, meaner before it does, and then it will pass.
I have no idea what our relationship will be after... but I will have done what I promised myself so long ago - loved this person through it. Loved with all my heart, prayed with all my soul, and spoken carefully, lovingly, and non-judgmentally.
See, that is what love is all about - not judging and being full of expectations rather loving and kind and helpful. We, as a species have, quite simply, forgotten that.
And, even though my pajamas say "it's all about me" it really isn't - right now it is all about this person, getting through this crisis and heading toward true healing.